18 Sweeps Later
by grippirg
Summary: Sollux stormed off after an argument with Aradia and is now stranded on Candy Earth C. As the only one left on this planet who knows what's really going on, he's decided he's officially stopped giving a fuck about continuity and finally moved on with his life, or at least what's left of it.
1. Welc0me Back, Capt0r

Sollux was wandering through the remains of a scarred battlefield, when he suddenly heard a noise. He wondered if it was more drones coming to cull him because he stayed out too late or some other dumb law Crocker made up to subdue him because he happened to be the wrong species.  
The noise got louder and louder, he knew whatever it was, it wouldn't leave him alone. Sollux quickly dashed away, but soon got stopped by a rock, which he clumsily tripped on. In blind panic, Sollux threw a pebble towards the noise.

? ?: Ow! Hey!  
SOLLUX: wh0's there?  
? ?: RelAx I Ain't here t' hArm yA none! I'm just here lookin' for injured Trolls in need of AssistAnce.  
SOLLUX: 0h.  
? ?: YA got A mighty shArp Arm on yA for a fellA with two pAtched up eyes.  
? ?: I don't think yA shouldA left the medicAl bAy in your condition.  
SOLLUX: n0, i've been like this f0r a very l0ng time and d0n't need any medical assistance.  
? ?: YA hAve?! I'm surprised an oldA fellA such As yAself hAs survived this long under Crocker's regime without the usA eyes.  
SOLLUX: y0u learn t0 live with it.  
? ?: YA sure Are A mighty strAnge fellA.  
?: ?: Since YA cAn't exActly reAd mA nAme tAg it's SEAKOR.  
SEAKOR: Guessin' yA-

Seakor stops mid-sentence as she notices the sign on Sollux's shirt. It's faded and barely visible, but she can just about make it out.

SOLLUX: guessing what?  
SEAKOR: Well I'll be! SOLLUX?! YA know ghosts Ain't Allowed the leAve the bAse once A fight is over!  
SOLLUX: i'm n0t a gh0st and h0w d0 y0u kn0w my name?  
SEAKOR: It's AlwAys such A sAd sight seein' ghosts thAt don't believe they're Actually deAd.  
SEAKOR: Now come on fellA and tAke off thAt disguise And leArn to live with the fAct yA died A long time Ago.  
SOLLUX: d0n't talk d0wn to me and treat me like I'm an idi0t, and I already t0ld y0u i'm n0t a gh0st!

Sollux sighs and takes off his eye patches.

SEAKOR: W-who did this to yA?!  
SOLLUX: multiple pe0ple did, but m0stly myself. d0n't ask.  
SEAKOR: I'm sorry for Accusin' yA of fAkin' yA won't believe how mAny ghosts pull off the fAke Adult Act!  
SEAKOR: By the wAy YA cAn put them pAtches bAck on.  
SOLLUX: n0, i'd rather n0t be reminded 0f th0se stupid pirate days again.  
SEAKOR: Pirate... days?  
SOLLUX: a dumb theme i was f0rced t0 take part in with s0me dead vriska and 0ther gh0sts.  
SOLLUX: Wearing th0se eyepatches f0r s0 l0ng wa-

Seakor's headphones begin to ring and she strolls elsewhere to take the call.

SOLLUX: y0u still there?  
SOLLUX: hell0?  
SOLLUX: 0k I'm leaving n0w, thanks f0r ditching me.

Sollux starts to walk away, as he doesn't feel safe standing in one place for long. He also doesn't feel like listening to anymore of Seakor's chatter.

SEAKOR: Hey fellA where yA goin'?  
SOLLUX: i th0ught y0u left and ST0P talking d0wn t0 me!  
SOLLUX: I'm blind n0t stupid!  
SEAKOR: Well fellA, I went to tAke A cAll.  
SOLLUX: AAAH!  
SEAKOR: The person on the other side wAs very excited to heAr your nAme!  
SOLLUX: they were? i th0ught there w0uld be n0thing t0 be excited ab0ut here.  
SOLLUX: especially when they have t0 be subjected t0 y0ur ridicul0us prattle!  
SEAKOR: YeAh in fAct, they wAnt to see yA At the bAse!

Sollux is about to decline, but instead gets distracted by a metal clanging noise.

SOLLUX: what are y0u d0ing?  
SEAKOR: I'm just Addin' An extrA seAt to mA ride.  
SEAKOR: We're An Awful long distAnce Away from the bAse And if we hurry we cAn mAke it for curfew.  
SOLLUX: 0k, but i d0n't exactly want t0 c0me with y0u 0r meet wh0ever was at the 0ther end 0f y0ur c0nversati0n!  
SEAKOR: But whyevA not?  
SOLLUX: because i'm d0ne with being dragged ar0nd by 0ther pe0ple and i'm assuming this "base" y0u were speaking 0f has s0mething t0 d0 with the war.  
SEAKOR: Yes it does, but it's sAfer t' come with me An' spend A night over At the bAse thAn get culled by Crocker's drones!  
SOLLUX: i'd rather take my chances with the dr0nes than spend an0ther m0ment with y0u.  
SEAKOR: P-pleAse Sollux sir! I beg'A yA! Mum KAnAyA wAs lookin' forwArd tA seein' yA AgAin!  
SEAKOR: An'-An' we're Awful low on men An I know yA'll mAke a greAt Addition!  
SEAKOR: Since yA know mr. VAntAs so well, I bet he'll put yA in chArge of a mighty big operation!  
SEAKOR: Like mAybe yA could be th' one t' continue droppin' bombs Around the stAtues of liberty!  
SOLLUX: the what 0f what?  
SEAKOR: Missus HArley An' Mr. Strider did that until he up An' turned into A row boAt.  
SOLLUX: y0u mean r0b0t!  
SEAKOR: Don't be silly fellA, robots cAn't floAt.  
SOLLUX: this is what I deserve f0r staying behind isn't it.  
SEAKOR: AnywAy, pleAse come with me, pleAse!  
SOLLUX: 0K FINE, BUT 0NLY IF Y0U ST0P TALKING!

Seakor breathes a sigh of relief.

SEAKOR: Well git up there fellA!  
SOLLUX: up where?  
SEAKOR: The walking eye.  
SOLLUX: why the FUCK w0uld i ever want t0 ride 0n a walking eye?  
SOLLUX: let al0ne ever t0uch 0ne!  
SEAKOR: Well they're good At trAnsmittin' dAtA to th' generAl and sure As heck more sleAk An' stylish thAn A scuttlebuggy.  
SOLLUX: why did i even ask?  
SOLLUX: and st0p talking, I'm getting a massive headache!

SEAKOR lifts Sollux into his seat on top of the walking eye and buckles him in.

SEAKOR: YA comfortAble there fellA? Don't wAnt yA tA fAll off while she gets movin'.  
SOLLUX: as c0mf0rtable as i can be in this very unc0mf0rtable situati0n.  
SOLLUX: AND H0W MANY TIMES D0 I NEED T0 TELL Y0U T0 ST0P TALKING D0WN T0 ME?!  
SEAKOR: Wow, yA sure get grumpy mighty fAst!  
SEAKOR: Don't worry it'll only tAke two And A hAlf hours t' get bAck t' the bAse.  
SOLLUX: 0h lucky me.

Seakor starts up the engine of the walking eye and begins directing it back to the base.

SEAKOR: So how long hAve yA been wonderin' round these here pArts?  
SOLLUX: i d0n't kn0w.  
SEAKOR: Surprised yA didn't get cAught up in the huge brAwl between Crocker and mr. VAntAs.  
SEAKOR: ThAt thAr wAs An Awful terrible spAt.  
SEAKOR: Luckily i wAs still a recruit so i never got to see the bAttlefield until a couplA weeks lAter.  
SOLLUX: g00d f0r y0u.  
SEAKOR: YA seem to be An Awful lucky fellA escApin' th' wAr like thAt.  
SEAKOR: No doubt someone like yA must be Light or even Life bound.  
SEAKOR: Then AgAin I never wAs too good At ClAsspectin' Studies.  
SOLLUX: i w0uld never even 0nce c0nsider myself as "lucky".  
SOLLUX: by the way didn't i tell y0u t0 ST0P TALKING?!  
SEAKOR: Well whAtevAr it mAy be, yA sure do hAve A lot of it.  
SEAKOR: Say, what kindA music yA into?  
SOLLUX: anything that isn't the ann0ying c0untry bumpkin channel!  
SEAKOR: FasinAtin'! Ain't the sunset AmAzin' At this time of yeAr?  
SEAKOR: WhAt's your fAvourite color?  
SEAKOR: Mine is th' pink yA see in th' clouds And I Also like them green streAks too!  
SOLLUX: i d0n't like any c0l0rs 0r even remember what they l00k like!  
SEAKOR: Now, no need t' stArt yellin'  
SOLLUX: START?! HAVE Y0U BEEN LISTENING T0 ANYTHING I'VE BEEN SAYING?!  
SEAKOR: I AlwAys did enjoy th' feel of a good dAy's work!  
SOLLUX: that literally has n0thing t0 d0 with anything!

After hours of almost non-stop dialogue from Seakor, Sollux grumbled angrily the rest of the way.

SEAKOR: Well, we're Almost At th' bAse frAid this will be fArewell, As my room is in A different entrAnce t' the mAin one. MA colleAgue will show yA the rest of the wAy.

Seakor unbuckles Sollux's seatbelt and he slides right off of the eye onto the ground.

SEAKOR: ThAt first step's A doozy!  
SOLLUX: n0! d0n't help me up 0r anything!  
SEAKOR: Oh here she comes now, I'll be on mA wAy now, don't wAnt tA be cAught by th' drones!

Seakor quickly walks off, leaving Sollux on the ground.

SOLLUX: Hell0?  
SOLLUX: Y0u fucking ditched me again, didn't y0u?!

Sollux stands up, dusts himself off and hopes that the next person he speaks to won't be anywhere near as unbelievably insufferable as Seakor.


	2. Tr0ll Meets W0rld

Sollux, standing alone near the entrance to the military base started to grow tired of waiting for Seakor's mysterious friend. He then started to pace up and down in frustration and impatience, when he heard some footsteps coming up to him.

(VRISKA): Hi there.  
SOLLUX: vriska?! y0u're a part 0f this dumb war shit t00?  
SOLLUX: 0r are y0u 0ne 0f th0se 0ther billi0n dead vriskas i had the pleasure 0f never meeting?  
(VRIKA): Nope, I'm alive alright.  
SOLLUX: wait-what? y0u're alive? H0w did that happen?!  
(VRISKA): John knocked some sense into me and prevented my death, remem8er?  
SOLLUX: n0 i d0 N0T remember that!  
SOLLUX: i distinctly recall y0u being n0t at all alive when y0u hijacked my time with aradia and then made me wear th0se stupid eye patches!  
(VRISKA): Oh, you're from that other me's timeline.  
(VRISKA): Though she didn't say you lost your eyes again.  
(VRISKA): So what happened anyway, why do you look so much... older than everyone else?  
SOLLUX: pr0bably because i never died 0n a hard c0ncrete slab with a skull 0n it.  
(VRISKA): Wow... I guess that means more time flew 8y than I thought.  
SOLLUX: i'm eighteen in case y0u were w0ndering and i'll thank y0u f0r n0t staring at my mid-life crisis.  
(VRISKA): That explains why you're so dentally and follically challenged.  
SOLLUX: are y0u g0ing t0 let me in 0r what? it's freezing 0ut here!

(Vriska) grabs Sollux's hand, but he quickly yanks it away.

SOLLUX: what d0 y0u think y0u're d0ing?!  
(VRISKA): As 8ad-tempered as ever.  
SOLLUX: y0u w0uld be t00 if y0u had t0 spend an uncomf0rtably l0ng am0unt 0f time with a racist caricature 0f a br0nze bl00d!  
SOLLUX: i als0 d0n't need y0u t0 h0ld my hand like i'm a newly de-husked tr0ll.

(Vriska) starts to walk towards the interior of the base, as Sollux follows the sound of her footsteps.

(VRISKA): So how long have you 8een here for?  
SOLLUX: standing 0utside the base?  
(VRISKA): No, I mean how long have you 8een on this planet?  
SOLLUX: aradia had a lame missi0n t0 g0 0n t0 help a weird dead girl wh0 them p0ssessed an0ther dead girl.  
SOLLUX: it's a really dumb st0ry and i d0n't want t0 talk ab0ut it anym0re.  
(VRISKA): why didn't you stay with aradia?  
SOLLUX: because i'm apparently t00 helpless t0 make my 0wn fucking decisi0ns.  
SOLLUX: als0 since when did y0u start t0 care ab0ut what i 0r any0ne else d0es?  
(VRISKA): 8ecause I'm trying to start anew on this pl8net and 8ecome an 8ctually nice person?  
SOLLUX: 0k i kn0w a l0t 0f shit has g0ne d0wn 0ver the span 0f my life, but that is n0 d0ubt the weirdest thing i have heard c0me 0ut 0f any0ne!  
(VRISKA): Normally I'd agree, 8ut I spoke with myself and decided to 8ecome the 8est version of myself.  
SOLLUX: y0urself? y0u mean like a gh0st?  
(VRISKA): No... the one that Kanaya and Rose adopted.  
SOLLUX: Kanaya and- i d0n't- WHAT?!  
(VRISKA): Yeah, apparently they made a clone of me.  
(VRISKA): And yes, it is as dum8 as it sounds.  
SOLLUX: PLEASE tell me they didn't d0 the same thing with me!  
(VRISKA): Not yet.  
SOLLUX: well, this has 0fficially been the m0st fucked up day 0f my life.  
SOLLUX: take me t0 the cl0sest recuperac00n s0 i can end this day bef0re it gets even w0rse!  
(VRISKA): Hey, I haven't exactly 8een having a great time either!  
(VRISKA): The first thing I see when I come 8ack from fighting LE is everyone's now an old fart and Kanaya and her GF or wife or wh8tever repl8ced me with a clone and now i have to have 8rackets 8 the start of my n8me!  
(VRISKA): 8least you don't have to deal with that... you got to grow old with everyone.  
SOLLUX: n0 i didn't.  
SOLLUX: as i said bef0re i was busy the wh0le time helping 0ut a creepy dead girl with aradia.  
(VRISKA): So what happened to aradia?  
SOLLUX: she left.  
(VRISKA): W8... for good?  
SOLLUX: yep.  
(VRISKA): Hey w8, watch out!

Sollux trips up and bangs his head on a doorway, then falls over head first next to a sobbing Jade.

JADE: oh my gosh im so sorry!

Sollux tilts his head up and gives off a weary looking grimace.

JADE: let me help you up!

Jade grabs one of Sollux's arms and floats up until he's standing on his feet.

JADE: are you okay?  
JADE: i didnt see you coming and i was lost in my own thoughts there!

Jade wipes away the remainder of her tears and notices Sollux was missing not one, but both of his eyes!

JADE: oh no! did i do that? :(  
SOLLUX: d0 what?  
SOLLUX: trip me up?  
JADE: yes but thats not what i meant, what happened to your eyes?  
SOLLUX: d0n't ask.  
JADE: so that wasnt me?  
SOLLUX: n0.  
JADE: phew! so are you regular blind or can you smell colors and stuff like terezi?  
SOLLUX: regular blind.  
JADE: aww the sucks but maybe someone can make you some robotic eyes! :)  
SOLLUX: after the wh0le walking eye fiasc0 i never want t0 hear 0r even think ab0ut eyes ever again.  
JADE: what do you mean?  
(VRISKA): Sollux ended up being stuck with Seakor for about three hours.  
JADE: oh i dont blame you then.  
JADE: now that i think about it werent you at the funeral we had for me?  
SOLLUX: f0r y0u?  
JADE: *sniff*

Jade wipes away a few fresh tears.

JADE: not that me... the other me  
JADE: the one that left with... with...

Jade struggles to get the words out, when suddenly a door swings open and the hallway goes quiet.

SOLLUX: with y0ur matesprite?

The sound of footsteps can be heard behind Sollux.

SOLLUX: wh0's there?

The noise gets louder and louder, as it echos through the hall.

SOLLUX: vriska?

The sound of the noisy footsteps stop right behind Sollux.


	3. Haggin' With Mr Capt0r

KARKAT: SOLLUX?  
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?  
KARKAT: DIDN'T YOU LEAVE WITH ARADIA?  
SOLLUX: 0h hey.  
KARKAT: DON'T "OH HEY" ME!  
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!  
SOLLUX: i decided t0 stick ar0und.  
KARKAT: THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY YOU'RE HERE IN MY MILITARY BASE!  
SOLLUX: i was t0ld t0 c0me here by kanaya s0 maybe y0u sh0uld ask her.  
KARKAT: GREAT! JUST WHAT I NEED! ANOTHER RECRUIT WHO CAN'T DO JACK SHIT!  
SOLLUX: i'm d0ne with taking 0rders fr0m pe0ple.  
KARKAT: THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE?  
KARKAT: ... NO DON'T FUCKING TELL ME!  
SOLLUX: it's pr0bably n0t what y0u think it is either.  
KARKAT: DON'T FUCKING TELL ME YOU'RE HERE TO ADOPT A GRUB FROM KANAYA AND ROSE!  
SOLLUX: n0 in fact i was just thinking ab0ut leaving.  
KARKAT: YOU CAN'T LEAVE! THE BATTERWITCH HAS DRONES OUT!  
SOLLUX: s0?  
KARKAT: SO?! I FORBID YOU TO GO OUTSIDE!  
KARKAT: IN FACT NO ONE CAN GO OUTSIDE FOR THE NEXT WEEK!  
KANAYA: What He Means Is That He Is Sad About Your Long Absence And Wishes You To Stay

Karkat storms out and exits the same door he came out from.

KANAYA: I Decided To See If Seakor Is Delaying You She Certainly Is Quite The Rambler  
SOLLUX: s0 y0u're giving away grubs n0w?  
KANAYA: Only To Suitable Couples  
KANAYA: Speaking Of What Happened To Your Femme Covert  
SOLLUX: aradia? i left when i g0t sick 0f her plans.  
SOLLUX: s0 why did y0u want t0 see me?  
KANAYA: Im Afraid Karkat Is In Grief Over The Loss Of Dave  
KANAYA: He Does Have Meenah To Keep Him Company But Since He And Dave Have Spend So Much Time Together In The Past Not Even His Better Half Can Soothe His Mood  
SOLLUX: wait-wait karkat's with meenah?!  
SOLLUX: i finally g0t rid 0f th0se itchy eye patches and n0w i have t0 deal with her again!  
KANAYA: Oh Yes They Are Quite The Role Models To The New Recruits  
KANAYA: Jade As You Can Tell Is In Peril Too As She And Dave Had Married Shortly Before His Departure

Kanaya looks over at Jade, who's being "comforted" by Vriska.

KANAYA: So When I Heard Seakor Found You Out In The Wilderness I Told Her To Bring You Here  
SOLLUX: i already kn0w that part.  
KANAYA: Karkat Really Needs A Friend Right Now  
SOLLUX: s0 what d0 y0u want me t0 d0 ab0ut it?  
SOLLUX: i kind 0f have 0ther things t0 be w0rring ab0ut right n0w.  
SOLLUX: besides y0u've kn0wn karkat l0nger anyway, why d0n't y0u d0 it?  
KANAYA: Because Before Dave Terezi And Gamzee You Were The Closest One To Him  
SOLLUX: *sigh* fine.  
KANAYA: Thank You And Now I Need To Talk Karkat Into It

Sollux imitates an eye roll the best he can without actual eyes.

KANAYA: Farewell And I Do Hope You Decide To Stay In This Establishment When I Return

Kanaya walks off and goes into Karkat's quarters.

KARKAT: DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO KNOCK?!

The door slams shut, but murmuring can be heard from outside.

Sollux then signs and slides down a wall until he's sitting on the floor and Jade joins him a few minutes later.

JADE: *sigh* vriska isnt very good at being empathetic. :(  
SOLLUX: yeah, i d0n't buy the wh0le "trying t0 be a better pers0n" thing.  
SOLLUX: she's pr0bably just d0ing it t0 impress s0me0ne.

Jade twiddles her thumbs, as she quickly asks the question she's been dying to get the answer to.

JADE: hey so you know the real reason why dave left, right?  
JADE: he said he wanted to fight dirk and was done with being non canon, even though dirk is dead.  
SOLLUX: yes but it's n0t like it even matters.  
JADE: how so?  
SOLLUX: i gave up caring ab0ut the c0ntinuity 0f things.  
JADE: oh but can you at least tell me how dirks alive?  
SOLLUX: because there is an0ther universe where he t00k 0ver and that's where aradia and dave went.  
JADE: how do they end up going there though?  
SOLLUX: by escaping the huge black h0le that surr0unds this universe.  
JADE: black hole!  
JADE: that explains why theres so many ghosts around...

Jade pauses for a few moments, to take in the information.

JADE: well, will we ever see them again?  
SOLLUX: n0, they are g0ne.  
SOLLUX: g00d fucking riddance.  
JADE: but you cant possible mean that! :o  
JADE: isnt aradia your matesprite or something?  
SOLLUX: i w0uldn't want t0 be the matesprite 0f s0me0ne wh0 dragged me ar0und f0r 0ver a decade, with0ut listening t0 me because my disabilities are such an inc0nvenience f0r her!  
SOLLUX: s0 i decided t0 cut her 0ff.  
JADE: sounds good.  
JADE: it must suck being in such a controlling relationship!

Jade sighs and looks down.

JADE: but thats why dave left me... :(  
JADE: i know he wasnt really in love with me but i thought if we got married hed learn to love me.  
JADE: i pushed everyone i loved away because i hate to be alone so much!  
JADE: maybe i deserve to be non canon. :(

Jades eyes well up again.

JADE: *sniff* i dont know what to do with myself anymore...  
SOLLUX: *sigh* i'm still getting used t0 my life here, away fr0m aradia.  
SOLLUX: but if i went with her i'd be a c0rpse by n0w anyway.  
JADE: oh, i wouldn't want that to happen!

Jade stands up and looks up at Sollux, who is much taller than him, even sitting down.

JADE: maybe youre right and we are better off without them...  
JADE: ...but its still so hard living without someone youve loved for so long and they just fly away because obama told them to.  
SOLLUX: wh0?  
JADE: he was the president a long time ago and his ghost hologram turned dave into a robot.  
SOLLUX: see this is the kind 0f shit y0u get int0 when y0u give a fuck ab0ut c0ntinuity.  
SOLLUX: gh0st h0l0grams start t0 appear and tell y0u t0 fight y0ur ancest0r fr0m an0ther dimensi0n!  
JADE: but still, arent you worried that we dont matter?  
SOLLUX: n0 because im fr0m a d00med timeline anyway and i matter ab0ut as much as any 0ther d00med timeline versi0ns 0f myself.  
SOLLUX: aradia wanted t0 escape that life but i was always 0kay with it.

Jade walks closer to Sollux and hugs him.

SOLLUX: what was that f0r?  
JADE: for listening to me and being such a great moirail! :)  
SOLLUX: i w0uldn't exactly call this a m0irallegiance and m0re like tw0 drifters bl0wing 0ff s0me steam.  
JADE: oh, yeah i need to stop pushing quadrants on people...  
JADE: but you are kind of cute though!

Sollux smirks a tiny bit at Jade's remark.

JADE: what are you going to do now?  
SOLLUX: pr0bably stick ar0und f0r a few days.

Suddenly, the door to Karkat's chambers open up again and footsteps can be heard coming down the corridor.

SOLLUX: sup kanaya.  
JADE: how did you know it was her?  
SOLLUX: because i happen t0 rec0gnise the stench 0f a rainb0w drinker.  
KANAYA: Gambol Aside Karkat Has Agreed To Meet You Tomorrow Morning  
SOLLUX: y0u mean t0m0rr0w night.  
KANAYA: No I Mean In The Morning  
KANAYA: Since Jane Took Over We Trolls Have Had To Adapt To A Daytime Itinerary Due To The Rather Backwards Schedule System She Has Adopted For Our Kind  
JADE: yeah, sorry about that, my granny sucks! :(  
SOLLUX: *sigh*  
KANAYA: I Can Take You To Suitable Accommodation For You To Spend The Night While You Wait  
JADE: actually i was thinking i could take him!  
JADE: it is on the way to my apartment, after all!  
KANAYA: Only If Sollux Is Up For It  
SOLLUX: sure, let's get m0ving.

Jade takes Sollux by the hand and takes the lead.

JADE: oh you dont mind if we hold hands, right?  
SOLLUX: suit y0urself.

Jade lightly tugs on Sollux's hand as they start moving.

SOLLUX: are y0u flying right n0w 0r s0mething?  
JADE: of course i am, if i grabbed your hand on the ground id be on my tippy toes.  
SOLLUX: are all humans this sh0rt?  
JADE: compared to you, yes.  
JADE: trolls get so tall as adults, i think kanaya is 7 feet tall and youre like 10 feet!  
SOLLUX: n0t all 0f us d0 get tall, karkat s0unded s0 cl0se t0 the gr0und ehehe.  
JADE: yeah, haha.

Sollux stretches and yawns and Jade gets a good look inside his mouth.

JADE: oh no, what happened to your teeth?

Sollux quickly snaps his mouth shut and responds in an irritated tone.

SOLLUX: y0urs w0uld start t0 fall 0ut t00 if y0u lived 0n s0da f0r half 0f y0ur life!

Jade paps Sollux on the cheek and he blushes slightly.

JADE: you could always get dentures!  
SOLLUX: what?  
JADE: fake teeth you put in your mouth to help you chew.  
SOLLUX: they s0und unc0mf0rtable and unhygienic.  
JADE: for someone whos been on earth for a while, you dont know much about earth customs and people! :o  
SOLLUX: i try t0 av0id that stuff.

Jade tilts her head in confusion, much like a dog would do.

JADE: why?  
SOLLUX: because it reminds me t00 much 0f alternia.  
JADE: oh...  
SOLLUX: *sigh* i c0uld end up getting s0me fucked up n0stalgia f0r it.

Sollux points his head down and sighs a few more times.

JADE: were here!

Jade opens the door to Sollux's apartment.

JADE: do you want me to show you around?  
SOLLUX: n0, i'm g0ing bump int0 s0me walls until i find the recuperac00n.  
JADE: oh no, ill show you the way! :)

Jade quickly points to every room in the apartment.

JADE: in here is the living room.  
JADE: in there is the kitchen.  
JADE: there is the bathroom.  
JADE: and finally heres the bedroom!  
JADE: did you get that?  
SOLLUX: n0.  
JADE: :o how about i spend the night and lead you around until you get it!  
SOLLUX: i just need t0 be al0ne right n0w.  
JADE: are you sure?  
SOLLUX: yes.

Jade, disappointingly leaves Sollux in the apartment and goes back to her own apartment.

Sollux shakes his head and manages to find his way to the recuperacoon, finally ending his exhausting day


	4. S0llux Capt0r Can't Win

Sollux gets awoken from his slumber by his alarm clock. He quickly gets out of the recooperacoon, finds his way to the bathroom and takes a shower.

As Sollux exists the bathroom, he hears a strange mumbling noise.

?: mmmh...

Sollux quickly darts back into the bathroom and puts a bathrobe around his waist.

?: mmm... orning...  
SOLLUX: JADE?!  
JADE: yep.

Jade groggily gets up off of the sofa she decided to spend the night on.

JADE: hey you look pretty hot with your shirt off.

Jade floats up to Sollux's head and runs her finger down his chest to his stomach. Sollux shivers as she does so and clenches up.

SOLLUX: we need t0 talk.  
JADE: about what?  
SOLLUX: which quadrant d0 y0u think we're in?  
JADE: matesprites!  
SOLLUX: 0kay, here are s0me gr0und rules:  
SOLLUX: first 0f all i d0n't kn0w h0w human quadrants w0rk, but i am n0t interested in being y0ur matesprite!  
SOLLUX: sec0nd, as much as i *l0ve* being in my "grubday attire", having y0u sneak ar0und at night t0 witness it, is n0t my idea 0f a "fun activity"!  
SOLLUX: third, at least KN0CK bef0re c0ming in!

Jade tries to give Sollux the puppy eyes, but to no avail.

JADE: yes, youre right... i was just so excited to have a new boyfriend, i went too far again...  
SOLLUX: n0w i need t0 get ready!

Sollux walks off, trying to remember how many steps it is to the recuperacoon room, so he can put his clothes back on.

A few minutes later and Sollux comes back out, wearing the same dusty clothes he wore the previous day.

JADE: i dont think karkat will like you wearing that again, hes gotten so formal since hes been in charge.  
SOLLUX: he'll have t0 deal with it.

The pair leave the apartment and work their way to Karkat's office.

JADE: i was thinking about what you said yesterday, about you not mattering.  
SOLLUX: what ab0ut it?  
JADE: i think you matter... at least, you matter to me...

Jade holds onto Sollux's hand tightly and paps his cheek with her other hand.

SOLLUX: i meant m0re 0n the grand scheme 0f things.  
SOLLUX: anywhere that d0esn't center ar0und the prince 0f heart isn't c0nsidered "imp0rtant en0ugh t0 matter even a tiny bit".  
JADE: oh, that dirk sounds so self obsessed! :o  
SOLLUX: he is.  
SOLLUX: it's an0ther reas0n why i stayed behind, because i d0n't want t0 deal with that shit.  
JADE: the mattering part or the ego manic dirk bit?  
SOLLUX: pr0bably b0th.

Jade gasps and puts a hand on her chin, thinking why that would be.

SOLLUX: because i d0n't care ab0ut any 0f it.  
JADE: youre making your own path?  
SOLLUX: m0re like i ch0se t0 stay 0ut 0f pl0t relevance and i'd rather hang ar0und a bunch 0f gh0sts and 0ther equally unimp0rtant pe0ple than chase a r0gue prince.  
SOLLUX: i tried t0 c0nvince aradia, but she w0rried ab0ut mattering t00 much.

Jade's ears and head droop down, as she listens to Sollux's response.

JADE: oh...  
JADE: but i still meant what i said, about you mattering to me.  
JADE: but its like you said, i dont matter either...

Sollux paps Jade on the forehead and works his way down to her cheek.

SOLLUX: in my 0wn irrelevant way, y0u matter t0 me t00.

It was just then, Jade realizes Sollux is opening up to her all along and he isn't trying to distress her.

JADE: yip!

Jade flings herself into Sollux's arms, until he's carrying her. He notices something strange about Jade when he touches her bottom.

SOLLUX: why d0 y0u have a tail?  
JADE: i grew it when i turned twenty.  
SOLLUX: d0 all humans gr0w tails when they're adults?!  
JADE: no silly, only me because im part dog!  
SOLLUX: shenanigans?  
JADE: pretty much...

Sollux walks into a wall and drops Jade onto the floor.

SOLLUX: 0w FUCK!  
JADE: oops, should have kept an eye out! :o

KARKAT: THERE YOU ARE! YOU ARE LATE!  
JADE: oh sorry, we got distracted.

Katkat yanks Sollux by the arm and drags him down the rest of the corridor until they're both in his office. Karkat then closes the door with a loud bang.

KARKAT: KANAYA INFORMED ME THAT YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME.  
KARKAT: I'M NOT SURE ABOUT YOU, BUT I'M A *VERY* BUSY TROLL!  
SOLLUX: "kk" chill.  
KARKAT: I DON'T HAVE TIME TO!  
KARKAT: I ALREADY LOST DAVE AND NOW I'M UNDERSTAFFED BECAUSE THE FUCKING BATTERWITCH WON'T STOP RUNNING HER ADVERTISEMENTS AGAINST TROLLS!

Karkat rubs his temples and looks out of the window in his room, which look out to the brooding caverns.

KARKAT: ALSO DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH JADE!  
SOLLUX: it's n0t really any 0f y0ur business what we d0.  
KARKAT: I'VE BEEN DOWN THAT ROAD BEFORE AND IT NEVER ENDS WELL!

Karkat turns around to face Sollux.

KARKAT: SOLLUX, I CAN'T HAVE HER BREAK YOU TOO!  
SOLLUX: i've had t0 deal with aradia's creepy m0n0l0gues f0r a decade, i d0n't think jade will be any pr0blem f0r me.

Karkat breathes out heavily and clears his throat.

KARKAT: THEN I'M DRAFTING YOU!  
SOLLUX: yeah, n0 thanks.  
KARKAT: I HAVE A VERY STRICT MANDATE THAT STATES, "NO CIVILIANS SHALL DATE, MINGLE OR FILL A QUADRANT WITH (A) MEMBER(S) OF KARKAT'S ARMY"!  
KARKAT: I ALSO CANNOT HAVE A BLIND TROLL WANDER AIMLESSLY THROUGH THE BATTLEFIELD, AS THE BATTERWITCH HAS GONE TO CULLING DISABLED TROLLS!

Karkat hands Sollux a pair of military clothes.

KARKAT: YOU WILL STAY INDOORS AT ALL TIMES AND WORK IN THE BROODING CAVERNS WITH KANAYA AND ROSE.  
KARKAT: THE SUIT I GAVE YOU MAKES IT LOOK LIKE YOU'RE A JADE BLOOD AND YOU NEED TO WEAR A HELMET TO COVER UP TWO OF YOUR HORNS.  
SOLLUX: i d0n't think this is what kanaya had in mind when she said i sh0uld talk t0 y0u.  
SOLLUX: as "fun" as y0u barking 0rders as me is, i'm n0t g0ing t0 p0se as a jade bl00d because 0f my disabilities.  
KARKAT: THEN WHAT, PRAY TELL, DO YOU PROPOSE YOU DO?!  
SOLLUX: i d0n't kn0w, maybe y0u sh0uld st0p being s0 f0rmal.  
KARKAT: IF THE WAR GOES AWRY, IT'S BECAUSE OF ME! I HAVE TO PLAN FOR ALL EVENTUALITIES!  
KARKAT: IF I SEEM A BIT "FORMAL", DUE TO SOME LAST MINUTE ARRANGEMENTS I MADE FOR YOU, THEN "I'M SORRY"!  
KARKAT: THIS IS A WAR, NOT A FRIENDSHIP CIRCLE!

Karkat chokes back a few tears and continues to put up his rigid demeanor.

SOLLUX: 0kay, i g0t that part, but it seems m0re like y0u're hiding s0mething.  
SOLLUX: i was willing t0 listen until y0u tried t0 draft me and if y0u keep 0n acting like this, i'll leave.  
KARKAT: *I'M* HIDING SOMETHING?!  
KARKAT: IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CAME BACK FROM GOD KNOWS WHERE, IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUNERAL AND YEARS LATER, YOU TURN UP ON MY DOORSTEP!  
KARKAT: IF ANYONE IS HIDING SOMETHING, IT'S YOU!

Sollux steps back and puts on a serious face.

SOLLUX: if y0u pr0mise t0 st0p this charade, i'll tell y0u exactly where i was and what i was d0ing.  
KARKAT: FINE.  
SOLLUX: dead jade, fr0m the c0rpse party was actually an alternate versi0n 0f calli0pe that me and aradia chased all the way t0 earth.  
SOLLUX: she warned us 0f the prince 0f heart, wh0 was taking c0ntr0l 0f an0ther universe, parallel t0 this 0ne.  
SOLLUX: the plan was t0 escape this universe, s0 we c0uld fight the prince.  
SOLLUX: daveb0t later j0ined aradia and t00k my place in the fight.  
KARKAT: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?  
SOLLUX: all are l0ng g0ne and are pr0bably fighting the prince right n0w.

Karkat pauses for a few minutes.

KARKAT: THEN DAVE... ISN'T COMING BACK.  
SOLLUX: n0, he isn't.

Karkat clasps his face in his hands, regretting never telling Dave how he felt. Regretting, never even facing him at the wedding...

Karkat looks up again, tears in his eyes and asks a question.

KARKAT: DO YOU KNOW WHY... WHY DAVE LEFT?  
SOLLUX: s0me ex-ruler 0f the humans c0nvinced him int0 it.

Karkat sits down and thinks back to when Jade told him Obama turned Dave into a robot and that he left to fight Dirk. Karkat wasn't sure Jade was telling the truth then, because of their troubled history. No that wasn't the reason, it's because Karkat was so in denial about Dave leaving, he needed to hear it from someone else.

KARKAT: SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?  
SOLLUX: i t0ld jade this already, but i'm g0ing t0 stick ar0und f0r a few days.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW, I CAN'T LET YOU LEAVE.  
SOLLUX: d0n't start this mete0r shit all 0ver again, y0u kn0w h0w well it went last time!  
KARKAT: AND YOU LEFT THE FIRST CHANCE YOU GOT AND I THOUGH I'D NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN!  
SOLLUX: well i did just die and i wanted t0 spend s0me time with aradia!  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU KILLED YOURSELF?!  
SOLLUX: i wanted t0 die and j0in aradia and feferi in the bubbles.  
MEENAH: such a )(OPL-ESS romantic kinda sweet actually  
SOLLUX: WHEN THE FUCK DID Y0U GET HERE?!  
MEENAH: take it down a notch patchless i was def here the whole time  
SOLLUX: just *great*, this mess 0f a c0nversati0n was 0pen t0 a third party!  
SOLLUX: wh0 else is here?!  
MEENAH: you two fuckin bicker like an old couple  
MEENAH: but hey i dont mean to pry in your blackrom feels  
MEENAH: man maybe i should be a tad jealous nubby never yells at me like this anymore

Karkat stands up and takes in a deep breath.

KARKAT: ENOUGH!  
KARKAT: SOLLUX, YOU'RE NOT LEAVING! MEENAH, STAY OUT OF THIS!  
SOLLUX: i'm N0T w0rking in the br00ding caverns!  
KARKAT: THEN PICK WHATEVER!

Karkat stomps towards Sollux and gives him a second military outfit.

SOLLUX: st0p giving me jade cl0thes!  
KARKAT: THEY'RE NOT JADE THIS TIME.  
SOLLUX: are y0u seri0usly f0rcing me t0 j0in this army?  
KARKAT: THAT'S WHAT DRAFTED MEANS.

Sollux shakes his head and opens a door.

KARKAT: THAT'S THE CLOSET!  
MEENAH: still havent got a handle on bein blind  
SOLLUX: 0h yes, h0w *silly* 0f me t0 n0t kn0w the lay0ut 0f the wh0le facility after 0ne day!  
MEENAH: hey lemme get the right door for you patchless  
MEENAH: aint it the job of a totally gracious ruler to help the worn out members of her kingdom  
SOLLUX: i've g0t shivers.

Sollux leaves the room.

KARKAT: MEENAH, YOU WERE RIGHT.  
MEENAH: when am i never not 38D

On the other side of the door, Sollux is welcomed back by Jade, who automatically leaps into Sollux's arms.

JADE: how did it go?  
SOLLUX: as ab0ut as well as expected.  
SOLLUX: karkat wants t0 keep me l0cked up here like 0ne 0f th0se lame lass in a scrape r0mc0ms.  
JADE: im sure hes just concerned about what jane would do to you.

Sollux walks his way back to his abode, carrying Jade on his back.


End file.
